Thoughts from the Back Row

Wrestling Mose

2007-02-25T13:13:00.000-05:00

WARNING:

2006-05-07T18:00:00.000-04:00

These my friends....

These are my friends on Foxfield.....

Any questions?

Prom night

2006-05-07T09:21:00.000-04:00

Better late than never, The Official O.C. Prom Running Diary....

9:01: One minute in and we're already making jokes about rape whistles, somewhere the Duke lacrosse team is smiling.

9:04: Volchuck is making out with some girl on the beach. Seth says maybe it's his cousin, which would actually be likely if we were watching The W.V.

9:07: Um, Seth tricks Summer into meeting him at the diner by saying he's some admissions guy from Brown. Right, some guy from beautiful Providence, Rhode Island is going to fly out to that hole, Orange County, all to meet up at a diner for pancakes. Admissions standards at Brown must be way down this year.

9:08: Volchuck gets asked to the Harbor High Prom, do they make denim tuxedos with the sleeves ripped off. Oh wait, shocking, Volchuck isn't a prom sort of guy. He never made to his own prom b/c he didn't get that close to graduation, double shocking.

9:14: Wait, wait, wait. Did I just hear that correctly? I'm pretty sure that taylor townsend said she is going to prom with a korean dude named Som Ho. Seriously, I'm envisioning a scene where Seth takes a few bong hits, then laughs uncontrollably for 20 minutes when he gets introduced to a guy name Som Ho. Also, Taylor says she loves hooking up with this guy b/c he's hairless and it's like hooking up with a seal. Well, if it works for Heidi Klum

9:20: So apparently Summer is going to prom with some imported Korean pop star. I figured I should find out a bit more about this phenomenon known as KPop. KPop is the nickname for Korean popular music found in South Korea (for some pop music isn't that big in North Korea). It combines elements of techno, rap and rock. The following are my favorite names of KPop artists:
Drunken Tiger
Rumble Fish
SE7EN (Always good to name yourself after a movie about a nasty serial killer)
Ryu (A much cooler choice for a Street Fighter homage than Ken)
DBSG(Dong Bang Shin Gi): I see why they went with the abbreviation. It's a good thing I don't live in Korea, I don't think I'm mature enough not to giggle when I hear these names.

9:24: Someone needs to tell Anna that bangs are not okay. I think bangs are like mullets for girls.

9:26: Apparently, since Marisa waited til the last minute to ask Volchuk to prom. As a result, she didn't have time to get a prom dress and decided to wear a curtain.

9:28: Volchok steals some liquor from Sandy to fill his prom flask. Nice to see that Dad of the Year has so much alcohol around the house occupied by a recovering alcoholic...nice call.

9:30: Awesome, the prom looks like Pirate's Cove Miniature Golf Course.

9:36: Big Korea continues to make funny hand gestures. I need to hang out with someone like this.

9:42: Summer falls off the giant pirate ship after winning Prom Queen. This is pretty much the biggest prom disaster since my senior prom when I invited a girl who apparently was entranced by sparkly things. This led to her standing mesmerized in front of the shark tank (our prom was at an aquarium) and twirling around repeatedly throughout the night because she thought it was cool how her dress looked in the reflection. Maybe this was cool until at one point she twirled and fell over. I'm not kidding.

9:43: Busy week for Theresa, first Prom on the OC, then she gets killed off on Lost.

9:52: Drunk Summer agrees with me about Anna's hair.

9:53: Seth tell Summer the truth. Summer pukes. Summer realizes that she left Seth's list of past indiscretions on the desk for Sandy to find. Summer pukes. Never would have guessed that she'd regret that decision. So unpredictable.

9:55: Never would have seen this coming. Taylor's money for the after-party has been stolen. Who keeps 5 grand in cash in an unattended purse for the entire night. Taylor just paid the stupid tax.

9:58: Ryan may or may not have just killed Volchuck, at least Marissa didn't shoot him. I see some serious brooding in our future.

So you want to know what Foxfield is like?

2006-05-07T09:10:00.000-04:00

Lets just say that this likely will not be part of the recruiting video for a certain Wall St. firm next year. Take a look at the link below. Nice work Crowe.

Viking Chug

Been a long time....

2006-05-02T20:29:00.000-04:00

I apologize to all of my loyal readers about the lack of posts recently. I was away on vacation for a week and for some reason, people expect me to focus on catching up on my real job. I'm going to need a few more days to catch up, but trust me, I'll make up for it. So check back this weekend.

In the meantime, in case you haven't seen this, check it out. It's kind of like the "Lazy Sunday" of the macroeconomic set.

Notorious F.E.D.

Sorry Pete

2006-04-24T10:29:00.000-04:00

I got an email from Pete Doherty, the guy who is a constant reminder of just how far Kate Moss has fallen (I would make a joke about how she wasn't that high to begin with, but we all know that's not true.....ZING). Anyway, Pete was really pissed that not only did he get excluded from that list of the 100 unsexiest men alive, but I also excluded him from my near miss list. So in honor of you Mr. Doherty, a tribute to your repugnance.

Just plain fugly

2006-04-23T11:18:00.000-04:00

I'm out on vacation this week, but I will do my best to get some new stuff out there for everyone.

There was a story that got a decent amount of press this past week from Thephoenix.com, which pretty much listed the 100 Unsexiest Men in the World. Overall, I think they did a pretty good job, Randy Johnson checked in at #2, 6 spots ahead of Osama bin Laden, which feels about right. But there were a few glaring omissions that I feel need to be addressed. Here are a few people I would have added.

Gheorghe Muresan:
Really? This guy didn't make the cut? Seriously? Even the way he spells his name is hideous. He was born for this. He sucked at basketball, but was a first ballot unanimous selection in the Ugly Hall of Fame. The 7'7'' Romanian even found time to make a movie called My Giant with Billy Crystal. Somewhere Gheorghe and the entire population of Romania is ready to riot over this injustice.

Benicio Del Toro:
At least this proves that either I have a slight chance at hooking up with Scarlett Johanson or life just isn't fair. Probably the latter.

Sheldon Williams:
Not only is this guy the most overrated defender in college basketball history, but he looks like Ken Griffey Jr. in that episode of the Simpsons when he drinks Mr. Burns's special tonic and gets gigantism.

Mick Jaggar and Keith Richards:
Perhaps this list was only for people that are still alive. Wait, what's that? These guys are still kicking? Watching the spandex-laden Super Bowl halftime show was nearly enough to make me swear off of HD forever.

Sam Cassell:
Proof that life does exist on other planets.

Barry Bonds only has WTP

2006-04-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

Like Joel Bernstein, Big Bad Barry only seems to have warning track power. Looks like Mr. 73 can't quite reach McCovey Cove these days. If that doesn't convince you that he was juicing, take a look at his rookie card. Thanks for this one Spira.

RYAN ATWOOD GRADUATES!!!! Soon

2006-04-16T19:20:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a little late, but here's what it would be like if you were sitting on the couch with me watching The O.C. last week.

9:00 Viewer Discretion being advised is ALWAYS a good thing.

9:02: Seth is good at cooking fish, perhaps he can work at Long John Silver's since that whole Brown thing isn't working out

9:03: Apparently the guys only get two tickets each to graduation, that means not enough room for the Nana. Ryan plays the woe is me card (not to be confused with Joey Lawrence's WHOA!! is me card), and says that the Cohens can have his tickets since he's got nobody to use them. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of Ryan feeling sorry for himself. He's been taken out of Chino by a really rich family, drives a sweet car, hooks up with all sorts of smokin girls, and has gotten into Berkeley, seriously, stop your whining. Can I also remind you that the guy that plays Ryan was a drama nerd a year older than me at UVA whose last name was Schenken, he wasn't exactly "Schenken'" girls like Marisa Cooper back at the U, so lets calm down there with the drama just a bit Ben, thanks.

9:03:30: Ryan looking sad and pensive. I think he used to work at the Chic-Fil-A at UVA.

9:04: CALIFORNIA....CALIFORNIIIIIIIAAAAA.....HERE WE COMMMMMMME (gets me everytime)

9:05: I wish that people actually danced like idiots while walking down the street and listening to music on their cell phones like they do in these commercials, it would give me something else to mock.

9:07: How does Volchuck manage to break into all of Marisa's various homes, apartments and trailers?

9:08 Julie Cooper is about to lay the smack down. Here's my question: Exactly what is the probation period that you are placed on as a parent after sleeping with your high school daughter's ex-boyfriend before you are allowed to give parental relationship advice to your kid? I mean, come on, a season and a half seems a bit too quick.

9:09: unnecessary amenity at Harbor High this week: Those glass covers to put on top of metal trays for the donuts and bagels at the cafeteria.

9:11: Sweet. Summer realizes that something has to be wrong with Seth, because "a guy like him is physically incapable of walking away from a girl like me." Thank you, maybe you're not so dumb, despite the fact that you thought that Rhode Island is actually an island. Seth is a moron. Seriously, why do I get so angry to the point I'm yelling at the TV? This is the O.C. I hope I get as worked up for the birth of my first child or I am going to have some serious pangs of guilt afterwards.

9:11: This whole Matt/Sandy/Ass Hospital Guy who went to Duke storyline is getting kind of old.

9:12: Wow, Volchuck is wearing a denim shirt with the sleeves cut off and Marisa is wearing one of those shirts where the neckhole is too big, so it falls off of one shoulder, it's like we've been teleported back to a crappy 80's movie like Flashdance. PS. I'm pretty sure that Volchuck is squatting in an abandoned warehouse.

9:13: In case you were wondering, I am using DVR to the fullest extent possible to write all of this stuff, it's amazing how much is going on in my head during the OC. Ryan just arrived in Albuqueque to find his mom. A few things about the ABQ

1. It has a BADASS skyline:

2. In 2001, one of ABQ's Finest, made national headlines, when he landed a police helicopter at a Krispy Kreme to pick up some snacks.

3. Lanzhou is Albuquerque's sister city in China. I imagine the conversation that determined that was a bit like the fat nerdy kid in high school trying to get a date to the prom (not that I know). I bet it went something like this.

ABQ: "So, uh, Lanzhou, do you have, a, uh, you know, well, um, a sister city here in the US?"
L: "Who are you again?"
ABQ: "I'm the capital of New Mexico, it's pretty sweet, we have sand."
L: "Uh, that's cool, listen I think I need to go to class."
ABQ: "Wait, wait, wait, you never answered me about that whole sister city deal."
L: "I was kind of hoping that New York was going to ask me."
ABQ: "He's already going with Shanghai, and Chicago and LA are set up with Beijing and Nanchung, pretty much everyone is already taken. Did I mention that I'm the only state capital with two Q's in my name? Pretty awesome."
L: "Fine, I'll be your sister city, just don't tell anyone, and we're NOT taking any pictures together."

9:15: The hot trailer trash girl with the bad dye job sees Ryan walking away from the dinner b/c he can't face his mom and her chopper riding boyfriend. She's met him for about 30 seconds and asks "if he wants to go somewhere." My guess is that they're headed back to his place to get us some of that Viewer Discretion that we've been advised about.

9:18: Apparently Fox 5 News is going to tell us about how Molly the Cat is still stuck between two buildings. Seriously, what the F? Isn't this New York City? The biggest, best, chock-full-o news city in the world? I think I'm getting the feed from the ABQ.

9:20: How great would an episode of Parental Control on MTV be with Marisa, Volchuck, and Julie Cooper? Seriously, if you haven't seen that show, check it out, more about it at a later point.

9:22: Ryan definitely got his denim jacket from the Brokeback Mountain collection.

9:23: Here's the Viewer Discretion we've been waiting for. Ryan brings the double-wide queen back to his hotel for some serious Schenken. Albuquerque should hire this girl to join the Tourism Board.

9:24: Sandy looks at a model of the hospital. Someone should tell him it looks like a hospital for ants. It would need to be at least 3 times that size.

9:25: Seth breaks up with Summer. He has officially opened some sort of portal directly to hell (like in Ghostbusters with the Gozer). Here's how it works, one extremely dorky guy in the world gets to date a ridiculously attractive way over his head type of girl. Seth screwed up with Summer and now this happens, David Spade is making out with Heather Locklear (I'm serious, for details check out the Superficial). We must be approaching the End of Days.

9:30: Ryan's trashy red neck mom was mistakenly invited to graduation in Newport by the trailer tramp and now Ryan doesn't know what to do b/c he wasn't going to invite her. I wonder if she'll bedazzle her graduation outfit.

9:36: Bitchin party at Volcheck's place. Maybe he could have saved some of the money spent on drugs and beer to buy himself some sleaves.

9:39: Seth just told Summer that he doesn't love her anymore (a lie). The end is near, David Spade rejoices. There hasn't been such a rough breakup since Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper broke up on the Wonder Years. PS. If you haven't seen Ms. Cooper recently, she's HOT!!

9:42: Bitchy Heather got roofied and is now having guys take turns with her in a van outside of the party. Remember the good old days when the biggest issues on these teen shows that we had to deal with were Jesse Spano's caffeine pill addiction on Saved By the Bell. Somehow, "I'm so excited.....I'm so excited.....I'm soooo scared!" just doesn't cut it in this case.

9:44: Ryan disinvited his mom from graduation, hair crimper shops in Newport sigh in disbelief.

9:46: Isn't it amazing how many places in Orange County don't get decent cell phone service? Hasn't that annoying Verizon guy been out there recently?

9:50: Sandy steals the files from Matt's car, tricks the Dook guy into thinking there were none, then gives Matt some money to get him back on his feet. Is there anything this guy doesn't do? I'd even be willing to grant immunity to this man if he were to sleep with Summer and then wanted to give Seth some parental relationship advice. He's a freak nasty pimp.

9:53: Ryan gets sentimental, reinvites his mom to the graduation, she's psyched. His giant-banged mother is coming to Newport. It's going to be like The Simple Life in reverse, I CAN'T WAIT.

9:57: Seth realizes he's an idiot. He's going to try to get Summer back and sneak into Brown. Sorry buddy, Spade has taken your place. Seriously, how is this guy dating Heather Locklear?

Hope you had as much fun as I did. See you all soon.

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T09:51:00.000-04:00

I'm back in the CT today to spend some time with my family. People in Fairfield County hate Easter because it's the only day of the year when they have to put up with commoners wearing pastel colors too. Damn them. I'll be back with more later, including my running diary of this week's very exciting episode of the O.C.

All I want for my birthday is some dignity

2006-04-13T00:48:00.000-04:00

Have you seen MTV's show My Super Sweet Sixteen? In case you haven't seen it, here's the basic idea. Have a bunch of cameras follow around the most spoiled, arrogant, disgusting children you could ever imagine as they prepare for a celebration of the fact that they are one year closer to receiving their trust funds and ending up in rehab. Seriously, if you ever needed a proof statement that life just isn't fair, watch this show for 10 minutes.

So I figured we could play a game. I'm going to list a series of quotes, you have to guess if they come from MSS16 or if I made them up. Answers are at the end of the post.

1. "Daddy...can we have Beyonce come"

2. "Oh my God, Dior is like closed."

3. "Can we use the butler as a pinata?"

4. "People are normally jealous of me because I'm pretty."

5. "Daddy, do you have enough money to cure herpes?"

6. "Hi, I'm Tom Perna."

7. "People should be thankful for me inviting them."

8. "Hi, I'm Steve Antos..." (sorry, that one's so ridiculous, i couldn't even finish typing it).

9. "I'm not spoiled, just well taken care of"

10. "Lets play pin the tail on the hired help."

11. "I have lots of things, like all these Manolo Blahniks. I have all that and I think it's great. I'm not one of those people like, 'Well, we must renounce ourselves.' No, I have a closet full of shoes and it's a good thing. I was coming back from Africa on one of my trips. I had taken one of my wealthy friends with me. She said, 'Don't you just feel guilty? Don't you just feel terrible?' I said, 'No, I don't. I do not know how me being destitute is going to help them.' Then I said when we got home, 'I'm going home to sleep on my Pratesi sheets right now and I'll feel good about it.' "

Answers:

1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 9 - My Super Sweet Sixteen
3, 5, 8, 10 - Made up
11 - Trick question, this is an actual quote from Oprah Winfrey at a charity benefit recently. Poor people suck.

Hit my baby one more time

2006-04-13T00:16:00.000-04:00

Seems that Britney Spears is having some more trouble with her baby. This is why I will one day run for President on the platform of the Stupid Tax and the requirement to pass a test before you are allowed to reproduce.

So to help out, I've decided to get Brit a gift for her kid:

Cool video of the day

2006-04-07T01:16:00.000-04:00

Urban Ninja

O.C. Running Diary

2006-04-07T01:06:00.000-04:00

Apologies to the Sports Guy, but here's my first running diary.

9:01: Seriously, who from the Orange County dreams of going to Brown? Providence is a hole, the only thing I know about it from my childhood roadtrips is that there is a giant cockroach on 95 right near the city.

9:03: Ryan is being mysterious and brooding, that's original.

9:07: Nothing like when Marisa is playing the spiraling out of control nutjob. How are they going to top her overdose in Tiajana? I'm thinking that she'll be doing lines off of Volchuk's motorcycle while robbing a 7-11 and kicking puppies by next episode. She's completely insane and, no doubt, based on a few of my ex-girlfriends.

9:09: The bigshot hospital guy is playing tennis against nobody wearing one of those sweater-vest tennis things, does anybody do this? He looks creepy, I bet he played lacrosse at Duke.

9:10: I wish my high school had arcade games, leather couches and a coffee shop. I'm pretty sure that Bulen's did.

9:13: Marisa got into Berkeley, I guess the next thing you know, she'll be protesting things like sobriety, drug awareness, and puppy health.

9:14: In the biggest upset since Zach Morris got into Stansbury and Jesse Spano didn't, Summer got into Brown but Seth didn't. Uh oh. Summer must have gotten a 1502 on her SATs like Zach did. I wonder if Seth will get the waiter from The Max to pretend to be a recruiter from Harvard to help Seth get into Brown.

9:21: Volchuck is going to Baja, Marisa thinks "if I wanted to be treated right, I wouldn't be with you." Seth turns to Ryan and asks "why can't i quit you?"

9:28: There is a commericial for some movie with Antonio Bandaras playing an inspirational inner city ballroom dancing instructor. This is something that Drew Lachey is good at. I'm going to "Take the Lead" and not see this movie.

9:34: Harbor High is having a college sweatshirt party, where everyone wears the sweatshirt of the college they are going to. Do you think this is just so they can mock and make fun of people going to Orange County Community, UC-Obispo, or Duke?

9:44: Boring, boring, boring. Shouldn't Marisa's mom be sleeping with one of her friends by now?

9:47: Isn't it weird that everyone refers to Summer's dad as DOCTOR neil roberts? Isn't Neil or Doctor Roberts or douche bag more appropriate?

9:51: Matt looks worse than a Duke lacrosse player after a week in Oz. (Is 3 dook jokes in an hour a bit of overkill?)

9:52: Seth just broke up with Summer, that's pretty much like Jason Giambi kicking roids, Antosh selling his porsche, or Dustin Diamond at the series finale of Saved by the Bell. It's all downhill from here.

9:55 Kirstin is pissed about the Newport Group. I guess it will just be Sandy and his giant eyebrows sleeping alone tonight.

Duke Sucks

2006-04-04T02:24:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Eddie Munster on winning the National Championship....

Ed Nelson speaks jive

2006-04-04T00:22:00.000-04:00

Basketball players need to learn to stick to what they are good at. Michael Jordan decided to try baseball, he sucked. Magic Johnson decided to be a late night tv host, the Magic Hour, it sucked. Shaq tried to be in a movie, KAZAAM!!! sucked. Isiah Thomas tried to coach, to be a CBA exec, and to be the Knicks GM, sucked, sucked, and well, lets just say that Kelly Clarkson will probably look back more fondly on From Justin to Kelly than Knicks fans will on the Isiah Thomas era.

Perhaps worst of all, is the fact that every basketball player seems to think that he can rap. AI tried, Shaq tried, Tony Parker even decided that he should try something other than playing basketball and making out with Eva Longoria to recreate himself as Tony Pizzle (I'm not making this up). Of course he's French, so we can't expect him to make good decisions.

Which brings us to this. This is Ed Nelson. He plays basketball for the UConn Huskies. He is very white. He averaged 9 minutes and 3 points per game this season. Instead of, you know, practicing to get some more PT, he decided that he too would rap.

This is the first verse of Edenem's first single. I think it really combines Tupac's poetic verse with 50's gangsta edge. Thanks to the good people at Deadspin for bringing this to my attention.

I'm a little bit country, I love to play ball
That's why I got my jersey retired on the wall
So you better have some fear for the rookie of the year
Cuz I had you shook, like you seen a big ol' bear
But in Connecticut, you're likely to see a deer
And I'’m the first damn person to knock out a queer
Ain'’t gonna lie, I know I'm kinda funny
People hang around me, cuz they know I'm worth money
Drive a pick-up truck, and jump higher than a bunny
Back on my ground, I'm the people's champ
So historic, got my own postage stamp
So go ahead, take the voyage to my domain
Not one of y'all gangstas will remain
I'll show you my gramps, his name is Bob
He'’ll tell ya ‘pull up your pants, cuz you look like a slob
Then whack you off the head, with a corn on the cob

A few thoughts:

-Well, I'm from Connecticut, I can confirm that we have deer
-I've never seen an Ed Nelson postage stamp, but if you have, please send it to me.
-Do you think Ed retired his own jersey in a big ceremony in his dorm room or was it more like in that Applebee's commercial?
-Could we have a fight between Ed Nelson and The Rock to determine the TRUE people's champion?
-Do you think his grandfather is really named Bob or did he just make that up because it's easy to rhyme?

Here's the link to actually listen to the song. Seriously, this might be the greatest thing ever. It's even better if you picture 6'8'' Ed playing the synthesizer and recording this at a booth at the Hartford Civic Center Mall.

Ed Nelson wants to take you out in his pick up truck

High Def = Not Always Sweet

2006-04-03T22:53:00.000-04:00

Never thought I would say this, but there are a few things that make me wish I didn't have an HD TV to watch the NCAA Finals.

Jury duty

2006-03-31T23:03:00.000-05:00

So I got the idea to write this blog during jury duty earlier this week. It was a great feeling to really get a hands on experience with the judicial system. My case only lasted about a day and a half, which was kind of a bummer, given the fact that I had this t-shirt made and didn't even get a chance to wear it.

Worshipping false idols

2006-03-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

So I was watching American Idol the other night and I came to a sudden realization. The current state of the idol community in this country is in a sad state of affairs. The President of the United States is currently in the midst of a DiMaggio-esque streak to see just how many things he can screw up in succession (too bad Isiah Thomas has gone right past 56 to about 273). The guy who is about to potentially pass Ruth and Aaron for the greatest record in baseball history is a 'roid-fiend whose balls are probably the size of bb's and whose head is resembling Ken Griffey Jr's in that episode of the Simpsons where he gets giganticism. And the guy who played f'ing Maverick in Top Gun is a wacko cultist who has gone off the deep end and has managed to completely taint katie holmes (a virtual impossibility).

So that brings us back to American "Idol." Something like 2.6 million people tried out for this thing and this is the best we could come up with:

I'm pretty sure this kid got his lunch money stolen by Clay Aiken

If you ever went to a NASCAR race and saw a hobbit, this is what he would look like.

I idolize Bucky. I idolize his greasy hair, his splotchy facial hair and overall lack of hygiene.

The one guy I like, is a goofy, gray-haired guy, who i am 99% convinced is at least partially retarded.

So I started to think about who the children of today (and I) could actually idolize and there were a few great candidates who have totally blown it recently.

Matt Leinart:

Idol: The guy won the national championship and the Heisman Trophy as a Junior, then decided to come back to USC for his Senior year, delaying millions and millions of dollars for a year, to take one class (ballroom dancing), nail about 347 hot USC coeds, and nearly repeat.

Fallen Idol: The guy has been seen canoodling with Paris Hilton, that disgusting cesspool of disease. You can't spell stud without STD.

Adam Morrison:

Idol: Floppy hair, a sweet jumper, classic porno mustache, player of the year contender, Larry Bird comparisons, high socks and questionable hygiene in a cool un-Bucky kind of way.

Fallen Idol: After blowing a 10 point lead with a couple minutes left against UCLA for a spot in the Elite 8, the dude starts weeping like a little girl with a skinned knee with time STILL LEFT ON THE CLOCK. Idols don't pull that crap. I'd expect that from JJ Redick (well, maybe not, Redick would have shot his team out of the game way before they had a 10 point lead with 2 minutes left), but not Morrison. He should transfer to Dook so he could spend the next year tearing up on Wojo's lap.

Tom Brady:

Idol: 3 Super Bowls, he never loses, and he's dedicated his life to dating hot girls, doing stupid commercials for lots of money and giving the big F You to all the teams that passed on him in the draft.

Fallen Idol: Apparently he was recently rebuffed in his advances towards Mary-Kate Olsen, one of those gross little anorexic puppets who dresses like a homeless person despite having millions of dollars because a bunch of old perverts have spent copious amounts of money to watch Michelle Tanner #1 and #2 play soccer or run around New York City. You know what, forget it, he's still an idol. The dude could punch uncle Joey and leave the impression of 3 Super Bowls in his forehead. Pats rock!

Which leaves me with the true American idol. Jack Bauer. He's the man, that's pretty much enough of that. He's saved America 4.5 times and never even goes to the bathroom. If you really need to know more check this out:

Jack Bauer: American Idol

Lets just all agree to pretend that kiefer sutherland never actually provided the voice of the Nutcracker Prince.

Feeling Randy

2006-03-28T21:18:00.000-05:00

Why should you care what I have to say? Well, you probably shouldn't unless you want to know the best ways to "releverage" your fraternity's balance sheet (much to the chagrin of your best friend the President and Nationals), the location of every Burger King, McDonald's, and Taco Bell in Fairfield County, or just what Jess Bulen thinks of "common folk." I won't be covering any of these things in this blog, so basically this is a complete egotistical vanity project so that you too can share in the random crap that travels through my head on an hourly basis. I hope everyone enjoys this stuff and I look forward to everyone's comments.

I'm going to start off with this story that I saw in the paper today as I was sitting at jury duty. Apparently, that hyperextended, redneck zombie creature Randy Johnson has been allowed to reproduce. Here's the story Unleashing the Little Unit. Lets just say that the words "Randy Johnson" and "love child" were a bit much for my stomach to handle so early in the morning.

Why was this so troubling to me? Let me count the ways:

1. If there was ever a reason why people should be forced to apply for a license before reproducing, I'm pretty sure this is it (If you've ever met Antosh, you'd know that he's the other prime example of this theory):

2. Despite the fact that he came up so big in the post season last year with a 6.14 ERA and the Yankees lost both games he started, the Missing Link earned $16 MM last year. So what does he do for his love child, well, after her mom asked him to pony up for a new car and some community college tuition, he decides to sue the mother of his child for $97,000 in child payments that he has made over the years. Personally, I think she should be fined at least $97,000 for sleeping with that thing, or at least should get to keep the money to be used for some sort of mind erasing therapy.

3. The girl is described as "striking, tall, and athletic-looking." The only thing striking the spawn of Randy Johnson is a big fat ugly stick.

4. The woman works at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, so I can only assume that when this whole incident happened, she mistook Johnson for some sort of test subject involved in some weird reproduction experiment.

For the sake of Yankee fans everywhere, lets hope that Jeter and A-Rod don't get litigious after their inevitable lovers quarrel.

Well, there you have it, I've just popped by Back Row posting cherry. Remember, there's no such thing as a stupid comment. Who am I kidding, of course there are, and we're keeping score.